Love is the Biggest Scam of All
by MP PrussianMia
Summary: What is love? Do we need it? Since when was it necessary to live a happy life? After your heart's been broken, where do you go from there? But...how do you know you're in love? Spamano, GerIta, and crack pairings. Warnings: Angsty!Lovino and Serious!Feli


**Hallo! I AM alive, prior to contary belief orz School has just been killing me so I haven't been able to post much D: But hopefully, I'll start to get back into my mojo. So, this new story right here is the love child of one very depressed afternoon after watching another sappy romance movie. And the "Chopped" came on and it was a panel of 4 very hot men. How that made this, I have no idea. But, I hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, it's characters, or Chopped. I only own my writing!**

**M for Language **

**Writing Styles:**

Normal. " " Speach

_Thoughts_

**_Loud thoughts_**

**Emphasize **

Btw, Emma is Belgium.

* * *

><p>Present Time<p>

Fuck fuck FUCK!

What have I done? I might as well as dug my own grave and buried my damn self. Take these words from a handsome Italian man: Never get drunk with Feliciano and let him watch the food network. Actually, don't get drunk with him period.

See, it all started out innocent enough, like most things, I guess...but then again, what do I know about innocence? Spray me with holy water and it sizzles. Regardless, I sorta feel like I was guilt-tripped into doing this. It all began on a normal school day and those damn classes were finally over. But, I didn't get to go home! No! Our damn grandfather decided that _"Hey, Imma be an asshole and send my poor grandsons to a boarding school!' _What the HELL was he thinking? Now, not only do I have to watch out for myself but for Feli too because he's an idiot!

But whatever, that's old news. So, classes were over and Feliciano and I were rooming together (_thank GOD_!) and we decided to get drunk, well _I_ did, and watch the Food Network. Why the Food Network? Because we were hungry and we're masochists. Anyway, we're just there watching "_**Chopped**_" and all the chefs are from Europe and males. Sexy, delicious males. That can cook! There was one from England, Italy, Germany and...Spain. Of course, the Italian won but it got Feli thinking which is never a good thing. **Never!**

"Vee~ _Fratello (Brother)_! I have an idea."

That's when shit hit the fan.

"_Che cosa? (What?)_"

I really wish I didn't ask.

"Well, since we're both single now, thanks to...um, him, I think we should do something to help you forget all about him, ve?"

It's like he enjoys rubbing salt on my wounds! So what if I am single? That stupid bastard doesn't deserve me anyway! And it's not like I did anything wrong...

* * *

><p>2 days earlier<p>

_**"What topping do you want, Lovi?"**_

_** I've always hated that question. Why? Because it requires me to think about what I want and what he probably wants. Surprised, aren't ya? Lovino Vargas isn't as selfish as you bastards thought. I have the common curtsey to consider what the other person wants. And besides, this wasn't just any person. This was Antonio **__**Fernandez Carriedo, my math tutor. The only person as close to good-looking as me. We've been having these little 'study' dates every other day at our favorite pizzeria. Dunno much about the food but Antonio is an amazing tutor. He's the only one who can make Calculus make sense. I would like to think that we've become somewhat-decent friends over the last month. So, naturally, I was pretty surprised by his next question.**_

_** "Um, mushrooms, onions, and baco-"**_

_** "Is this working?"**_

_** …..**_

_** Tell me why I just felt my heart drop into my stomach. Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry anymore. Where was this coming from?**_

_** "I-Is what working? My grades? T-They've never been better thanks your tutoring and I have the best grade in the class, besides you of cour-"**_

_** Antonio just laid a single finger on my lips and shook his head. "No, Lovino. I'm not referring to that because I've always known that you're very brilliant. All you needed was a good teacher. But...I was referring to us. You and me. Let's face it, you hate my guts and I'm just your tutor. So, we should stop pretending we have something more. **_**Cierto? (Right?)**_**"**_

_** You know, since a very long time ago, I learned to stop letting other people's words affect me. To live my life how I wanted to live it and not by other people's standards. I learned that people say very cruel and hurtful things and you just gotta brush them off and keep walking. And sometimes, it's just better to not get involved with others. So, knowing that, my life motto, why is it that I'm here? In **__**this situation. I chose this 'relationship' for two very simple reasons: It was safe and I actually liked him. He's the only guy who isn't completely trying to get in my pants. I foolishly thought something could possibly come out of this. What a fucking joke, huh?**_

_** "Alright. I'll leave you alone then. Sorry to have wasted your time, Fernandez."**_

**_Go._**

_** Hurry, hurry, hurry! I will NOT let him see me cry. I won't give him that satisfaction. I grabbed my messenger bag, dropped some cash on the table and ran. Ran like I had an armed murder running after me. My heart started pounded hysterically and I could feel my lungs start to clamp up and yet, I didn't stop running until my legs couldn't go any longer. Somewhere along the way, I felt my cheeks getting wet. Must've been the rain. Right?**_

_** And then, I did the stupidest thing.**_

_** I looked back to see if he followed me. **_

_** What a fucking masochist I am. I knew he didn't follow me. But, I wanted to see if maybe my gut instinct was wrong.**_

_** It wasn't.**_

_** It never is on matters like these.**_

* * *

><p>Now, look here. I'm not one to let stupid things like love bother me but not seeing Antonio actually...hurts me. I didn't realize how much time I spent with him until I didn't. B-But, who cares right? It's not like we were going to get married or anything special. Just a high school crush that suddenly went out of bloom. That's all it ever was.<p>

So then, why does my stomach want to come out my throat?

"_Fratello?_ Lovino?"

I snapped my head back and nodded to him. _'I completely forgot that he was talking to me...'_

"Ah, you're awake! So, as I was saying, I've got an idea! A very good idea that will make you forget about Antonio."

"You...have...an...idea? That will help me get over my tutor, who's totally not important at all, considering we weren't really going into a serious relationship." I _**really **_hope he couldn't hear my voice falter.

And then, something funny happened. He said something. Something that my heart has been trying to tell me yet I didn't want to hear. But this is my brother. I can't exactly shut him up. Or could I?

"Is that what you really believe, Lovino? Do you really feel like your time with Antonio wasn't important? Do you _enjoy _lying to yourself? Tell the truth, _Fratello._" Hehe, so un- Feliciano like. Not only is he acting like a tough, serious guy but he also just gave me an order. HE gave ME an order. What a joke.

But …

You know, maybe he's right. Maybe I really do like lying to myself entirely too much. Or do I?

'_Speak, Lovino. He's waiting.'_

'_N-No! To everything! I….I don't want Antonio to be important to me but, he already is. He always has been. So, why am I saying he isn't? Or rather, why can't I just tell the truth? I can't even talking to my own brother without telling a lie.'_

"You're hurt, aren't you? You really did like him, didn't you..?"

No.

Shut up. Shut up already. I don't need you telling me what I already know! Just leave me alone! As my vision started to blur up with more 'rain', all I could think of was one thing. '_I wish he'd stop talking….my chest hurts…'_

Why does my chest hurt?

* * *

><p>1 week later<p>

'_Another long ass day in classes and of course Calculus is taking forever to end. I don't even know why I took this class. I've been failing ever since….that. And just my luck, I sit right in front of….him. I could feel his eyes boring holes into the back of my head but I never dared to look back at him'. _Sighing softly, I forced myself to keep my eyes glued to the clock and not the jean pant leg that was barely brushing mine. '_2 more minutes, just 2 more minutes….'_

"-vi?"

1 more minute.

"Lovi?"

30 seconds.

"Lovino!"

The bell and his yell were synchronized so naturally, I almost shit my pants. Almost being the understated term. I'm sure had I not been in class, I would've. Not because it was that scary or anything except….I've never heard him yell before. Or at least, never at me. I heard him once arguing with Lars and it wasn't a very nice conversation. Does that mean that he hates me now because he yelled at me too? '_Don't look at him, don't look at him!'_

I looked at him.

His chocolate curls, sun-kissed skin and...those beautiful emerald eyes. That's actually what attracted me to him in the first place. You can't see those eyes and **not** be hypnotized. Why? Because this idiot is exactly the opposite of me. Polar opposites. He tries to fucking hard to try and please everyone as much and as often as he can. So, you'd think that such an admirable person would have better standards for the people he dates. Or takes interest in, at least. But no. He chose to befriend the boy who tries not to talk to anyone beside his twin brother and flamboyant best friend. The boy who glares at every living thing with eyes that contain the fires of hell.

Tell me, how do two people, so very different, become friends?

Or maybe, this was all a huge prank on me from the big guy upstairs to finally confirm my thoughts that I'm always going to be alone. If so, haha. You win. I think I'm switching religions because I don't think I can take this again...

A waving hand brought my attention back to the source of all my problems. My ex-tutor/boyfriend?/ lov-wait, scratch that. Just my ex. Nothing more.

"Lovino, are you okay?"

You know, I've never really understood the purpose of that question. Typically, you ask it when you feel or know that something is wrong with someone so why the hell would you bother asking if they're ok when you already know damn well that they're not? And another thing! What makes you think there's something wrong with me! And if there was, what makes you think I want to tell you? "Am I okay? Do I looking fucking **okay** to you?" Shit, I didn't meant to snap at him so loudly, but come on! I'm rocking a pair of black skinnies, a white hoodie with 'Vargas' written on the back (Soccer team) and sandals. Fucking sandals. Not to mention the huge raccoon bags under my eyes or the fact that no matter how you looked at it, my hair looked dry and dead. Just like I felt.

"Well, I don't think you look that bad. Actually, I don't think you look bad at all, _Mi Lo-"_

_ "_Do **NOT **call me yours. Not anymore. And my name is Lovi**no.** Say it properly." In all reality, I didn't really care if he called me 'Kitty-smash lego-butt smack' but hearing him say my name like that hurts way more than I wanted it to. But then again, I didn't want it to hurt at all.

_"Lo siento (I'm sorry)_, _m-, _hm, Lovino. I just wanted to make sure you were alright after you know..."

I don't think I've ever had this strong of an urge to punch a person (with the exception of Prussia, France and Germany). "Look, I don't need a babysitter to keep track of me, I don't need your concern and I definitely don't need you." I picked up my textbook along with my book bag and raced out of there as fast as I could. And then I wondered something.

When did I become such a good liar?

Or rather, when did I start lying to even myself?

Shaking my head, I ran down the hallway and slipped inside my dorm where my brother was happily sleeping on his bed. He looked so stupid and peaceful that I didn't want to wake him so I slipped back out again only to hit a wall. "What the fuck!"

"I'm sorry, Lovi! I mean, Lovino. _Yo sé que estás enojado conmigo, pero yo solo quería devolverte esto. (I know you're angry at me, but I just wanted to return this)." _In his hands, he held my red binder. The binder that had our old study sessions written in pen on my calender. With hearts. All over the front. Fuck me.

I snatched that binder so fast, I left trails of smoke in its place. Now he knows. He can't be that much of an idiot. Well, maybe he could be...I sincerely hope he is. And then I saw her. The she devil in all her glory.

Emma.

Now, I know that I may seem to just hate everyone in the whole damn world and their mom but prior to contrary belief, there's a very select few individuals who I'd like to stab. **SHE **is one of them. That egoistic, narcissistic, arrogant little bitch. But of course, no one else sees that. Oh no, she's the perfect little angel, the innocent one. Yeah fucking right. And yet, I could honestly care less about all that. I don't give two shits on how she acts or the way she is except she made one very wrong move.

She's after Antonio.

N-Normally, I wouldn't care because I knew he was all mine. Except, now he isn't. And she clearly knows that.

She came over to where we were, happily skipping her evil-self over to Antonio's side. God, she even looked like a whore. Shorts so short, they couldn't legally be called shorts and a white T-shirt that made it very clear that she didn't have a bra on. Typical. I'd usually just ignore her but today wasn't my best day and she was looking at me with her evil green eyes, just egging me on. But for what? I have nothing to fight for. No, correction, I have nothing worth fighting for. It was just as simple as that. But that's not going to stop me from annoying her.

"Hey, Emma! I'm sorry to break it to you but this conversation honestly has nothing to do with you so you should probably go back from the demonic hole you came from and stay there, _si?_" And insert my best imitation of Feliciano's stupid grin. It feels good to smile...even if it's fake. But it felt even better to see her face get angrier and angrier by every word. Her eyes narrowed and maybe it was the light but I could swear they were glowing...Then she said it. The bulls eye arrow straight into my heart.

"Oh gosh, Lovino, I'm so sorry! I just came to give my _**boyfriend**_ his car keys."

…

So, that's how it was, huh?

I took one look at her, scowled and shut the door so hard, I do believe the hinges broke off.

For a while, I couldn't really process what had just happened, just that my heart kept skipping beats every few minutes. I laid my forehead on the door and slowly slipped down to my knees. I stayed there for a long time, I think. I don't really remember much after my opening the door and if it wasn't for the binder sitting open on the floor, I would've said it never happened. Did it happen?

Who knows.

"_Fratello?_ _Stai bene? (Are you okay?)"_

That soft, childish voice cut through the silence like a sharp dagger. I turned around slowly and sure enough, there he was. With a bed head and wide-open sleepy eyes. He always looks so damn innocent. So pure. Do I ever look like that? Would he had have stayed with me instead if I did?

"_Vieni qui. (Come here.)"_

Since when did he give me orders? Since when did I follow them? Making sure the door was locked (it wasn't...), I crawled over to the bed we shared. We shared a bed because we're both cowards who absolutely hate to be alone. That much we're similar on. Once I got on the bed, he literally pounced on me. See, my brother has this belief that "hug therapy" actually works and I usually just slap him but I couldn't even find the strength to push him away. I just laid my head over his and closed my eyes. The last I remember hearing was a soft sobbing but I don't see why Feli would be crying...unless it wasn't him...

* * *

><p>"-vino!"<p>

No.

"-ino!"

No, 5 more minutes please.

"Lovino!"

"What? Let me sleep, you bastard!"

That came out a little louder than necessarily, as evident of the multiple pairs of eyes staring at me. I can only imagine exactly how loud I was, that in a loud ass cafe, everyone was able to hear me. "What are you looking at!" All the eyes lingered before turning back. "Creeps!" Rubbing my tired eyes slowly, I faintly remembered what happened last night. Though, I do have one question: How did I get to the cafe? I don't even remember going to my first 3 classes. '_Where's Feli?'_ I looked around and there he was, at the end of the cafe, sitting with the German bastard. I don't like it but at lest someone's looking after him.

"Lo~vi~no~~!"

Shoot me. Between the eyes. **Now**. Please!

_'Don't turn your head, just ignore him. __**Do NOT turn around!'**_

_ "_Eh, Lovino! I **know** you heard me!" I slowly looked over at the blonde man (?) sitting right next to me, who was carefully holding two lunches in his hands. Feliks. Believe it or not, we're actually pretty good friends but I try my best to not be in public with him too much because he draws attention to himself which draws attention to me which is not okay. I hate drawing attention to myself! If I could melt into the walls, I'd be ecstatic. But he never makes it easy for me.

"What do you want, Feliks? I'm not in the mood today."

He just gave a small sigh, set the lunch in front of me and nodded. "I don't really blame you. I never thought that Ant-"

"Do **NOT** say his name!" That came out harsher than needed. I could hear the break in my own voice resounding in my ears. The soft, prominent break of a boy trying so hard not to cry. Not daring to look at Feliks' face, I just put my head down and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"I know, it's okay, Vivi. I understand." We stayed like that for a long time. Me with my head down and him, just sitting next to me and occasionally petting my head. At times like this, I can honestly say I love having him as a friend. Prior to belief, he actually does shut up. And I guess you could say we're good friends considering the fact that he called me "Vivi" and I didn't stab him in the throat. Not yet anyway.

"Vivi, wanna go to my dorm for a little while? We can watch your favorite 'I'm depressed' movie." Tempting...very tempting. But there's something I need to do first. Nodding slowly at him, I quickly stood up and mumbled something about having to tell Feli about our Anatomy homework which was a total lie considering he didn't take Anatomy with me but whatever. I squeezed myself past all the groups of bodies and stopped at the table that Feli was at. With the German bastard. Alone. Wonderful.

"_Fratello_! What are you doing here? Feliks said you were going to spend the night with him watching movies!"

Why does it sound like he's implying something other than watching movies? He can't possibly think that...me and him...Oh god, he is stupid enough to believe that!

"N-No! God, no! Wait, that came out wrong. It's not that I don't like Feliks but I don't like him like that! B-But again, it's not that I couldn't like him, I mean he's very pretty and all-"

"Lovino, **shut up!** You're babbling like a chicken with no head! We get it, I'm freaking gorgeous, now get on with it!"

S-Shit, I must've been very loud if Feliks heard everything from the other side of the room. "_**Thank you, **_Feliks for the wonderful commentary, now shut up you blonde haired demon! Anyway, Feli...I've decided that I want to go along with your idea about helping me get over...that. So, my question is: What's your idea?"

I. am. Afraid.

The look of sheer happiness on that idiot's face could never mean anything good for me. Almost immediately, he reached for his book bag and pulled out bag full of...paper ballots? What the hell is going on?

"Before I tell you, you must agree to do everything I say, even the stuff you're not going to like. Deal?" I looked at his excited face and then at Feliks' small grin and my stomach suddenly started hurting. I'm liking this less and less...

"D-Deal."

I think they weren't expecting me to actually agree because Feliciano practically fell off his chair. Except the German caught him. I don't like him touching him...

"O-Okay! Here we go! Now, I can't take full credit for this idea because Feliks helped me out a lot. So, we thought that maybe the best way to help you get over **that **is to date someone else. Or actually, eleven. And don't worry because we already have everything ready to go. While you were sleeping this morning, Feliks and I went around and made a survey of who would be interested in a date! All the people who signed up are in this baggy and all you have to do is pick one every day for the next 11 days! And you can't say no because you promised me!"

God, I really wanna choke him. Now, the good question is: Who do I choke out first? A blind date? Not even **a** blind date but **11** blind dates? Why? What the hell made these two idiots think this was okay? B-But...I did promise. I don't normally keep my promised but I've always kept my promises to Feli.

"Fine. Gimme the damn bag!"

Feliks took the bag, covered my eyes, and led my hand inside it. I wiggled my fingers around and gently pulled out a small, folded piece of paper. I shooed Feliks' hand off my face and slowly unfolded the paper.

"Oh, god. My first date is with-"

* * *

><p><strong>Antonio, you ass! D:<strong>

**Why do I enjoy torturing Lovino so much? D: I love him, I swear I do!**

**I also love Poland x Lovino. That's my crack pairing and I ship it proudly! /shot**

**Btw, Lovino's favorite movie is "Sex and the City"**

**Um...Emma. I don't hate Belguim but I just get the feeling some shit went down in those early years when Vivi was still small. Hm...**

**So! Who's going to be Lovino's first date? **

**I don't know! But you sure do! Because you're going to vote on it! The poll has already been posted and I'll keep it open until...I post my new oneshot So, about 2 weeks. The one with the most votes wins the first date. Deal?**

**Please review and give me your thoughts on everything because I love to know what you're thinking! **

**On a side note, A new oneshot and the next chapter of FoDE should be up this month, I'm hoping. Also, thank my wonderful Beta, Kasai-sama because she is amazing!**

**Adios~!**

**-Mia**


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